i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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