the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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