Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
