i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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