I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
