im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
