Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
