I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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