from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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