I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i think i have herpe
just one?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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