I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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