4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
