then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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