I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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