worst night to have a conscience
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
