Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
