The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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