At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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