Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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