I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
