You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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