Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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