I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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