I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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