how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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