Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
