I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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