its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
