So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
