When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
