i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
