And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
