just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
