Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
