peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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