DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize