I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
