I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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