i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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