There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
