Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
