We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
