Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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