question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
