Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
