If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
