His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
