12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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