my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
