I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
