Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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