Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
