My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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