I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
please come you make the beer taste better
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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