Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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