Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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