The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
