yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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