So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
