He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
