I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
