you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
