Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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