Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
