i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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