Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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