I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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