you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
