ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Sober January is a disaster.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
