Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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