Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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